“There used to be four of us” – Stuart and Rita’s Walk of Wisdom

As a pioneer of the Walk of Wisdom , I thought I knew in 2015 what pilgrimage is: on the road for days on end, without contact with the supporters, away from your own home. That’s what I thought! Four years later, I watched with great amazement how pilgrims flouted those assumptions – and still made a meaningful journey out of it. An interview with two of them: Stuart Harris and Rita van Benthem.

Stuart and Rita walked the tour in stages spread over a year. They involved all their supporters in the experience and home played a key role in the trip.

By Damien Messing.

Beyond the Zwitserleven feeling

Rita and Stuart treat me to lunch a few months after finishing their Walk of Wisdom . I already know Stuart – a native Englishman – a little: he translated our route descriptions into English and has recently become a marker. I relax at his busty geniality, which needs no affirmation. He doesn’t say a word too much and in my experience there is a slight glow on his cheeks. Rita seems more drawn and is hesitant in the conversation at first.

The subject is therefore intense: the Walk of Wisdom as a mourning ritual.

Their partners contracted MS at an early age and were ill for a long time: Rita’s husband – Rob – 20 years old and Stuart’s wife – Katja – 15. They ended up in the same nursing home in Elst. Rita: “Rob and Katja knew each other. When Rob passed away, I became a volunteer in that house.” Stuart: “I came with Katja to drink coffee at Rita’s. Friendship developed.Rita: “A very special bond. When Stuart was away, the children and I took Katja under our wing. Katja had all the children in her arms. The pets, the hamsters, they all came to her in the wheelchair. “

Stuart: “In September 2017 I read about the Walk of Walk of Wisdom in the Volkskrant.” Rita: “He came up to me: ‘Would you like to walk this with me?’ The idea was to walk the Walk of Wisdom in pieces and then report to Katja every stage.Stuart: “A cerebral haemorrhage made it difficult for her to speak, but you could also exchange words without words.” However, Katja died before Stuart and Rita could put their plan into action.

Then something miraculous happened: by chance, Katja ended up right next to Rob at the cemetery in Elst. Stuart and Rita then had an inspiration. They decided to pick up their plan and involve not only Katja, but also Rob.

A unique rouwriteel

Two months after Katja’s death, Stuart cycled to Rita’s to walk the Walk of Wisdom together. Stuart: “It was still early days.” Rita: “I asked, ‘Are you ready yet?’ ” He was. Over a cup of coffee, they pinned the symbol of the Walk of Wisdom on each other. Then they walked to the cemetery in Elst to light a candle at the grave of Rob and Katja. A ritual that they repeated almost every month and then traveled to the next stage by train or bus.

In about a year, they walked the entire route. Only the last walk they ended at the graves of Rob and Katja. Stuart: “There were always four of us out and about.”

When they came to a place name sign during a stage, they took a selfie. Afterwards, Stuart sent them around to family and friends and Rita wrote down her impressions at home. Rita: “I’m quite busy with a lot of people around me and otherwise you forget the details. For example, I was looking for a poem that matched my feelings. Cut something out of a magazine.”

They proudly show me two thick binders that each of them made on their journey. Only at the end were they allowed to read each other’s words. Rita: “I thought, what am I reading! So different! I did not read emotions in the report.Stuart, matter-of-factly: “everyone is different.” Their supporters have now also read the folders.

Stuart: “Because it was such a long drawn-out journey, a lot of people knew we were walking. We were looking forward to going for a walk ourselves, but so were our supporters: ‘When are you going to send such a horrible selfie again?'” Rita: “Yes, we didn’t just experience it together, but with a lot of people. I have received so many beautiful texts and reactions. Very loving.”

What Stuart wrote in his binder? Water levels, the weather, the number of kilometres walked. With the precision of a chemist: “Our Walk of Wisdom was 168.7 kilometers.” They also walked the part from the cemetery from Elst to Nijmegen (and back).

Nature, comfort and gratitude

I am impressed by their story and completely understand why they wanted to start every stage from home: leaving from the graves of their partners was an essential part of the grieving process.

Clever, too, that selfie at the place name signs: it made the heavy subject light-hearted for the supporters. At the same time, he was given the opportunity to add something deeper to Rita’s multo: a striking sentence, a newspaper article, a poem. Rita: “Then I got something sent to me: gosh, Rita, can’t you use this?” Stage by stage, everyone mourned a bit. A warm and spacious way to share grief.

I think back to my assumption that ‘real’ pilgrimage means that you are on the road for days at a time. But how did you want to accomplish such an intensive process in a few days? That’s not possible. Stuart: “It wasn’t a one-week holiday and then it has to be done. A lot happened in one day.”

primal feeling

Then they say things that every pilgrim recognizes. Stuart: “Walking is a medicinal activity. When you walk, you clear your head, you take in the surroundings.Rita: “Yes, healing! I am a village person and always have nature around me. When Rob died, it was summer. Everything was blooming, the heath, life goes on. That’s what you need.” Stuart: “In one year, everything comes along, all seasons. We enjoyed the flowers and when everything withered, that was also an experience.”

Rita: “In all aridity we have seen the most beautiful flowers. That’s one of nature’s helpers. The realisation that you are walking on a dike or through a forest. What a richness that I can look at the river and the trees. It’s that primal feeling when you walk under big trees and feel insignificant. What do I, as a human being, propose to that beautiful nature? “

Stuart: “The gratitude that you can do it. Our own husband and wife would have liked to do the same. Friends of ours can’t do it anymore.” Rita: “For some people, walking 5 kilometers is even too much. We felt doubly grateful that we could still do it and that we were allowed to enjoy nature. We saw devil apples, a field full of sunflowers. We picked wild tomatoes on the banks of the Waal!”

Take your time

Stuart and Rita give a piece of advice that more pilgrims have been giving lately. Stuart: “For us, it wasn’t about walking, but about the experience of standing still.” Rita: “You get to such beautiful paths, you have to take your time. Sit on the grass for a while. Leaning against a tree and eating an apple. Enjoy the flowers.”

In the beginning, the plan was to run every Sunday, but the first stage was busy. Stuart: “We then went for a walk during the week. It’s quieter then, plus: the bus connections are better. We had the time, why not?“They walked 7 to 20 kilometers per stage, depending on how it worked out with the bus stop.

Stuart: “You have time to talk all day long, time to stand still.” Rita: “Yes, just sit next to each other in a church and then it happens.” Stuart: “If you have an appointment or need to go somewhere, if you walk and go home to do your things, it may not work. “

“Santiago? You can experience the same thing – here”

I feel fulfilled by the story of Stuart and Rita. It is beautiful to see how an intention for a pilgrim’s path is picked up by other people in a way that I could never have imagined myself. Different, yet spiritual or, if you like, ‘spiritually’ connected.

Stuart: “It’s a trend to go far away, to Santiago. I think: you can experience exactly the same if you do it locally here. In terms of spirituality, it’s the same. You have to plan for it. If you take the time to walk, to do the ritual, you make it special.” Just the simple gesture of pinning the symbol together at the beginning of the étappe made a difference. Stuart: “Otherwise we didn’t feel like pilgrims.”

Tell me Stuart, you should do the PR for the Walk of Wisdom from now on!

I ask what spirituality means to them. The down-to-earth Stuart says surprising things.

Stuart: “Spiritual means getting deep into your feelings.” Rita: “Spiritual is allowing your inner space, that you can put your feelings into it.” Stuart: “When I’m at the cemetery, I’m there with Rob and Katja. Then I’m there with people.”

Stuart: “It’s also a bit of a karma feeling: the Walk of Wisdom came just when we needed it.” Rita: “Yes, that can happen in anything. A rose that is fragrant. You need it at that moment and then you see it. Amazing! Despite all the bad luck and misery, I still felt supported.”

Stuart: “We live in a society where everything is arranged. But if you assume that it will come, you don’t have to work like that, you have to struggle. If all goes well, it will come along on its own. That confidence is relaxing. ” Rita: “The miracle that you feel strength, the victory that you can enjoy. The first time I could laugh again, I was ashamed! “

Stuart: ” If you can trust your gut.” Rita: “Is that a helping force?” I think it’s an accessible and beautiful interpretation of spirituality.

All’s well that ends well: love!

Stuart and Rita began their journey out of camaraderie. Stuart had lost his partner, Rita her friend. A long period of worry came to an end. Rita: “You can’t share that with someone who hasn’t experienced it. That’s why it was so nice to do the ritual with Stuart. I can be myself with him, because he knows me so well.Rita mourned not only Katja but also Rob, which she had never been able to do comprehensively as the head of her family.

During the trip, they became a couple.
Two people who, in the midst of adversity and sadness, found love and appreciation for all the strength and beauty that there is in life. Two people who will be four for the rest of their lives.