Saying yes to my path

Every pilgrim walks his own path. Esther Duine made it a special journey by looking at both the outside and the inside of herself and examining it.

Saying yes to my path
– ten days alone in nature –

In recent months, the restlessness in me has grown. For seven years, my life was one big transformative journey to find myself again and become who I am again. But that new place also became a comfort zone. The second half of my life lies ahead of me – what is there left to discover in it?

With my zodiac sign Taurus, I often don’t get moving easily. That is precisely why it touched me that my husband gave me the book The Wild Women’s Path by Brigitte Ars. The stories of women who took on the adventure and went out into nature alone fanned my fire. The seed for this had already been planted a year earlier, during my Vision Quest. There I discovered how natural it is for me to be in nature – day and night, without any camping experience.

I felt: the time is right to go out on my own. I found a bed in the Walk of Wisdom, a pilgrimage of 150 km around Nijmegen, over hills, forests, floodplains and farmland. I booked ten days at a nature campsite, in the middle of the forest, and prepared myself with a short trial camping trip. Still, the tension grew in the run-up: would my sensitive body in menopause be able to handle this? Did I have enough experience to camp back-to-basics?

The Outer Journey

The first few days I got help from an unexpected source. My neighbor at the campsite – a forester type, ex-marine – gave me confidence with his down-to-earth comments. I felt at home in my tent, which closed around me like a safe womb. I enjoyed the simple food and the silence of the forest.

And yet my mind searched for ways out:
On the second day it was raining cats and dogs, and I thought about going home. But my neighbor said: if it rains, you get wet – and the forest is all the more alive. And so I went.

When rain came into my phone, my mind found a new reason to stop. Fortunately, the campsite owner helped me.

The route through the German Reichswald made me tense. Alone in the primeval forest, with the warnings of other women in the back of my mind, I almost wanted to give up. Until I discovered: I have the route with me offline, I can carry myself.

Every time my fear struck, the path brought me back.

The inner journey

Halfway through I felt: I actually only say yes halfway. Half of it I say no – to myself, to life. At that moment I decided: I say yes wholeheartedly.

From then on, everything became lighter. The resistance fell away. There was fun, confidence, and a deep strength. My mind became empty, I coincided more and more with the experience. When I walked into Nijmegen on the last day, I felt free, confident, radiant.

The harvest

And yet… Once home, that feeling was gone. My body reacted violently, I needed days to recover. In mirroring the journey with my supervision therapist, I discovered why: my sensitive system has always protected me by partly saying no, by shielding me. Now I could feel that overwhelm, from inner strength.

I realized: my freedom does not lie in a perfect “yes”. My freedom lies in being able to consciously feel yes and no. In being able to choose, and carry both, from love.

This journey has taught me: the path does not require a struggle. It requires surrender. And my deepest strength lies in saying yes to myself, with my no included.