Listening inwards
“You don’t have to fight for unity, it’s there.” – Anja Strik, supervisor of the silent walk
Anja Strik (Het Zesde Geluk) once registered as the 24th pilgrim and will guide a silent walk on Sunday 5 November in our series ‘the Walk of Wisdom in a year around’. The theme of the walk is seeing and gaining meaning and the walk goes from Nederasselt to Ravenstein (lake).
Below is my representation of what Anja told during a walk in the Berendonck near the Walk of Walk of Wisdom. She often comes there to swim or meditate.
“I can float so wonderfully on the water: stretched out, with my eyes up to the sky and clouds. The cold of the water pulls my thoughts out of the maelstrom back to simplicity. I thrive on the simplicity of life. Maybe I’m a bit of a witch…
I can also be driven by enthusiasm. That’s the opposite feeling. But the energy of enthusiasm is short-lived and does not come from your health. She’s like a blowtorch. After that, it’s gone. ‘Flying on fumes’, I call it, on fumes.
On, that’s what I’ve been for a long time. Burnt out by my work. I remember very well how I could only go from pole to post to the store. That’s how tired I was. One day, during a meal, I couldn’t even get my spoon to my mouth. Help, I thought. This is it. A moment later there was a realization: “I can be here too.” As a matter of course, I focused on breathing. A very simple, very simple experience of breath. I entered a room with nothing but that breath. A peaceful, loving space. I was close to myself.
After such a burnout, you naturally end up in the mill: occupational health and safety doctor, step-by-step plan, coaching, suitable work. It felt destructive, almost murderous. I didn’t want a step-by-step plan that took me away from the pain, I wanted to listen to it. I got out of the mill and since then I have been living off my savings – as long as I can. I have something to investigate.
The most important thing in my life is much more subtle than harnessing my abilities or looking for the right job. I think of the micro-surgeon who practices his suturing technique of fine capillaries on flower petals. That’s the level at which I understand my research. Here at the fens, with the swirling leaves and the sun, with the clouds passing over the water, I find a place to heal and connect. I like to watch a writer float by on the surface tension of the water.
Superficially, I have failed as a lawyer and in many other ways, but in the grand scheme of things, I can never fail. I don’t have to fight for unity, it’s there. However, I don’t want to stay in the experience of unity. I also want to embody her in the raw reality. Who I can be in this is an open question. The answer requires total dedication to what I feel moved to do. What form the movement takes, I don’t know. My moral compass is that I respect the other person. I listen within: what do I have to do?
This is my prayer:
“With all that has been given to me
I entrust myself
at the womb of life
The breath carries me through the night.”
Photos: Anja Strik. The photo of Anja was taken by passers-by.
More about the silent walk of 5 November: link
More about Anja Strik on her website The Sixth Happiness: link
