It’s Time to Listen to Yourself – Interview

The art of living is nothing other than taking advantage of the people we suffer from.
Marcel Proust.

Pain, suffering, adversity – those who experience it usually want to get rid of it as soon as possible. But you can also grow from it as a person, says René van Nieuwkuijk (1955), social worker and one of our markers.

I walked with him his favorite part of the Walk of Wisdom (Landgoed Holdeurn and the Waldgraaf, route map 7). Below is my reproduction of what he told me. At his request, we walked against the direction!

“I think in life we learn more from things that hurt or are undesirable than from nice things. Pain or misfortune put a spanner in the works of your patterns, your vehicle comes to a standstill and expectations fall apart: your old life has come to an end. That makes a great appeal to your ingenuity.

Of course, when I learn to play an instrument, I need fun to keep it up. I’m not talking about an absolute truth, but about life lessons. If the pain is there, it can bring you into contact with your emotional life. You then get on the track of life itself, you really have to dare to feel to find out where that track leads. The route only becomes clear afterwards, a bit like an artist discovers from inspiration what a work will look like. A fascinating process.

I know all too well that it is also a difficult process. From the age of nineteen, I led a double life for years that destroyed my adolescence. On the outside, I was a normal guy who had girlfriends – including my current wife – but hidden from almost everyone else, I also had a completely different life. Enticing and exciting at first, but I wasn’t able to have open and honest relationships and when I got completely stuck, I was on my own. I didn’t dare confide in anyone. Fortunately, in the end, there were loving people who took care of me and put me back on the right track.

In the happiness that I now experience with my wife, the pain is a part. In the struggle I have developed a rich emotional life. I have experienced a lot of refinement and forgiveness. I have learned to be silent in deep solitude.

The help comes from life itself

Maybe it has to do with life stage. My youngest grandson was recently advised to go to another school, because he would have more fun there and would therefore be able to learn better. In people over 45 or 50, I see life questions that have to do with pain come up. In a society that is focused on fun, you have a lot to deal with if you end up in a situation that is not so fun and that does not become one-two-three. Sooner or later, everyone will end up in it. Almost always, after the suffering, the question comes: how do I move on?

What strikes me in my work is that in this over-organized society we have no specialism for life’s questions. I see that general practitioners often use psychologists for this, but many psychologists are not equipped in their training to guide life questions, which is a different specialty. I usually try to get people out of those practices, because they don’t get anywhere with it.

Many psychologists and social workers waste their time having conversations where something else is needed. A piece of the art of living. Loneliness is not only the problem, it is also where ‘it’ happens, where you grow in life. It is a time to listen to yourself, to feel what is right and then act accordingly. As a supervisor, you can encourage this, but people will have to take action themselves. The help must come from life and not from people.

The power of stories

In 2016 I walked the Walk of Wisdom under the guidance of a coach. The coach walked with us for the first and last part and we had dinner together halfway through. At the time, I was stuck at work and while walking I found out that I also wanted to bring out the artist of life more in my work.

At the end of my trip, I went to my boss and the “center for attention” came out. We are still in the early stages, but I see it as a place within social work where there is room for life questions and stories. A person’s life story is a model for situating experiences. It helps in giving meaning to your life. You get close to yourself and by sharing the story with others, you let them get close too.

Of course, you have to tell your story honestly! My father, like me, loved to write and wrote down his life story at the end of his life. He has shared with us, his children. However, it turned out to be a polished story. He had omitted important negative events. Very recognizable to me of course. And human: we all do it. But those who do not want to or do not dare to look at painful events close off the roads for growth. By telling well-groomed stories about yourself to others, you close yourself off to real contact. I’ve learned that lesson.

Wish

I would love it if the Walk of Wisdom would continue to grow into a place to explore questions of life. Running literally gets people moving and your storytelling afternoon at the end of October was a good opportunity to share your experience in an intimate atmosphere. This gives the Walk of Wisdom a soul and makes it more than just a walking route. This is how you give the world a good gift. I’m happy to contribute to that. ‘
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Remarkable: towards the end of the walk we passed a green, hilly field in a quiet landscape on which white cows were grazing. It had been raining and there were puddles of mud here and there between the grass. The mud was high on the cows’ legs and it looked like they were wearing graceful, black stockings. A picturesque picture.

René: ‘A nice metaphor for what I experienced in my adolescence. The hill is the enticing view, but once you get to the top, you turn out to be up to your knees in mud. Come out of it unscathed.’ You don’t have to. Those who dare to bear their pain stand on it with dignity.

On Sunday 3 December, René will lead a silent walk on the Walk of Wisdom with the theme: slalom along lines of suffering and light. Learn more